I began to appreciate everything I already had in my life: a lovely husband, an interesting job, friends, health … Instead of crying for what I didn’t have
During the successive fertility treatments I underwent, I observed how as the months went by, I had increasingly negative, even harmful, feelings, which were taking hold of me. I began to see myself as ugly and fat. Afterwards, I thought I didn’t deserve to be a mother and that my partner deserved better; a beautiful, cheerful and fertile woman who could give him as many children as he wanted. I, however, was incapable, a useless individual who wasn’t worthy of his love or the attention of the people around me. Nor was I worthy of that little being who absolutely did not want to grow inside me.
Gradually, I went into a depression. I didn’t do anything. As I was focused on my infertility, I had no energy for anything else. I smiled less and less, until I stopped doing it all together. I slept badly, some nights were completely sleepless. I had strange dreams, which always featured babies crying or where they were hurting themselves right in front of me. I began to stop talking; at any rate, I had no interest in anything. I no longer shared my pain, nor my hopes, needs or desires with anyone … Not even with my own husband. My friends and family had long since stopped listening to me.
I entered a vicious circle in which I was frustrated, disappointed, irritable … I was constantly reproaching myself about everything, and was unable to get out of this circle, since I still couldn’t attain what I so longed for.
It was very difficult to live with those feelings. Without a doubt, the most difficult thing I experienced during the whole treatment. Some will say that the physical pain of the injections is intense, even though it disappears after a few minutes. Psychological suffering, on the other hand, persists even when the treatment ends. Only the hope of starting a treatment again allows for a bit of dignity and self-esteem. But how do you go on feeling proud, positive, self-confident and trusting in the future when pregnancy does not occur?
One day, I realized that if I lived surrounded by negative feelings and thoughts, I would constantly feel bad both physically and mentally. I then forced myself to believe that a pregnancy was possible, that we are all capable of it, that this is just a setback. I appreciated everything I already had in my life (a lovely husband, an interesting job, friends, health), instead of crying for what I didn’t have. I decided to be fertile in another way: by creating, giving and helping others. I saw failure as a stepping-stone to a better future, rather than as something definitive. I set myself ambitious goals, which gave me the feeling of being able to carry out a difficult project. Little by little, I regained my self-confidence. I respect myself again. My mind is positive. I feel that, thanks to this new approach, what I have always longed for will come to me sooner…
